all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.