Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?