what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size