I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
A French press is when you hug naked
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
sounds kinky. i’m in.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.