*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.