I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
So true for me
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!