[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Going to church you guys need anything
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
An odd boast
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.