You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
WTF IS THAT!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.