GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You Might Also Like
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.