The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.