I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this