Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend