I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
back to work
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.