To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.