Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
is this meant to deter me
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Realize this:
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
damn he’s good
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.