[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“and how does that make you feel?”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: