I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered