Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
me, after any kind of buffet.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?