[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything