I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
lmfao come on
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.