9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact