Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.