I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…