If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR