Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir