Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Golf would be better with landmines.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.