I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
this is funnier than any friends episode
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”