HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…