*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Best seat on the street 😍
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Cheer up.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire