You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.