I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
How software testing works
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces