Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Whoa 😂
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.