[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I am yelling
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people