I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself