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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”