A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Mornin
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
what day is it?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified