I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.