Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.