Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
You Might Also Like
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does