I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
good work, everybody