*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
accurate
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.