Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
You Might Also Like
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
HELP 😭
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch