A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right