For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Barbie gone wild
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
The French word for sex is croissant.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.