Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss