I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
welp
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.