I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.