You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.