paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”