I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”